Just Another Trigger Moment

Julie Conn.
A second grade teacher at Holtville Elementary.
My home-away-from-home for twenty years.
She taught down the hall from me.
Always had a smile, a hug, a dear friend.
She came into Cute As A Button last week,
looking for an outfit for her newborn son.
I turned around to greet a customer,
and it was Julie. Jules. My Jules, from 'that time'.
My counselor calls these moments trigger moments.
When my throat closes, the headache begins,
speech becomes labored, my thought process jumbled.
I wanted to cry, to hold onto her, to be back there,
to be back in Room 33, beside Lisa,
across the hall from Jackie and Deborah;
to live at 204 Spruce, the home Johnny and I loved,
to have it all 'not have happened'.
So much rushed me at once
that for a moment, or two,
all I could do was stare at her.
And remember. And hurt.
We talked, we hugged, I saw the baby,
she left. I remembered.
And I grieved. And cried.
Will it ever.get.better?
Will I ever, ever get to the point
that it.won't.hurt?
Logic tells me the house at Spruce was too big,
too much upkeep for a disabled retiree.
But my heart tells me
had the accident not happened,
we would still be there. Still sitting in the swing,
on the deck John built, and I loved.
I would still be teaching next door to my best friend
and learning from seven and eight year old
angels in little children bodies. Do I miss the day to day
routine, the parental worries, the paperwork?
You bet I do. I always will. It was a passion. It was me.
Honestly, I don't know if it will ever get better.
It will be three years tomorrow.
We are in a new home.
Another new home, as a matter of fact.
And Life is different. As much as he tries,
and as much as they try,
and as much as I try,
it will always be different.
And God help me,
I want it back. There are times
I ache I literally ache,
to have Life the way it used to be.
My heart tells me I have much
to be thankful for; much to enjoy;
much to find delight in. And yes,
retirement has freed me up for other things,
and I cling to the understanding
that He never, ever, allows anything to happen
that He doesn't offer some means of bringing
Glory and Praise to His Name.
But my heart still breaks,
when those trigger moments occur.
So if I see you at some point, and you wonder
why I fumble, why tears slide, why I stare~
just know you have triggered a moment
for a past I miss with my whole heart.
And I continue telling myself,
it will get easier.
And then,
I go to my Jenny's family blog,
and she has this photograph of Noah.
And I read her words with the picture,
"Run, Forrest, run!"
And I laughed.
Through the tears brought from writing to you,
I laughed remembering what I had seen on her blog.
So I have brought it to you for your laughter.
God works in beautiful, mysterious ways.
"My soul doth magnify the Lord.
And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour."

Go, Noah! "Run, Forrest, run!"
Spring-Nancy Sig.Tag

5 comments:

Jenny said...

I think there are times that we all want what was...but we have so much now to bring us joy. I for one am just so thankful that you are still here! I love you -

Heather said...

I love you, Nan! And remember...God knew about this all along...it may have not been in your plans, but it was in His. And just think of all the time you get to spend with your grandbabies!!!

Graham Shenanigans said...

Nancy, I wasn't there for the past, but if the past hadn't happened, I wouldn't know you now and be encouraged by you to be a better Christian and reach out for the life that God has planned for me and my family. God is using you now, I can see it, and I thank Him for it!! Love you, girl!!

Lisa Ann said...

I know what it's like to want your life back to the way it used to be. For me it's the life I had before MS came along a turned my world upside down.
It's been over eleven years for me and I wish I could say that it get's easier but it hasn't for me. I pray that it will get better for you.
I try to remember Romans 8:28 when I think of the past. It's all a part of God's plan.
{{{HUGS}}}

Nicole said...

There will be many times in our life that we look back and think, why did my life have to change. Even I have those thoughts. I thank God for having you in my life. You are such an inspirational woman. You have seen things that no one will ever see, and been places that some may never get to go to. Be thankful for the time you had, and hopeful for the times to come with what you have now. God has work for you to do elsewhere, just remember that. I love you.

~ from The Letter Writer ~

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