Tomorrow will make four years since the accident that claimed 77 days of our life. There was another year and a half recovering and learning a 'new normal'. Recovery continues. Trigger moments happen. With it has come secrets that my mind blocked out. The fear and pain of a hurting child. Through counseling, I am learning how to cope with not only the pain but the memories. The nightmares. The fears.
One of the good things about that day in April - and there are several - is that issues from the past have been faced. They are being dealt with. A funny thing about secrets, you hide them well and think you've pretty much buried it all - then they creep out and tickle your conscious. Today, during counseling, I wanted a safe spot. To talk about anything else. To just walk away. The tightness in my chest, the closing of the throat, the need to flee became strong. Breathe, breathe deep. Remember the Garden. I am so thankful for the Garden.
I spent the better part of fifty years being afraid. Of pretending everything was normal. One of my quirks, an OCD of mine if you will, is to always have a place in mind that I can hide. An escape through the ceiling where there's a safe world that's only known to those that fear or a bathroom vanity to crawl in. Today, in counseling, I realized that when I envision this safe zone and visualize myself using it if needed, I see, in my minds eye, a young child. That never occurred to me until today. I don't really want to know what scared that child so badly, there are enough frightening episodes I dealt with in my adult life. What I want to learn, to use, are ways in which to deal with trigger moments. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor. Better yet, I am a child of the King. He is a Guardian and Avenger. He is my Strength.
So, tomorrow shall come and we shall once more give thanks that we have each other, that our life is blessed, and that the new normal has become our expected normal. What about you? Do you have trigger moments? Share with me. What have you overcome?
And know that He is larger and more fearful to those that have harmed us. "The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety." Ps 18:2
He is totally in love.