I Will Be a Better Mother~

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about this child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I awake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~Author Unknown

Thank you, Shawna, for posting this tonight on your site. My heartfelt prayers are with you and Daniel as you travel this path. I have been there, and it is not an easy one. My Jenny was the only child I was able to carry to term, and it took five years to become pregnant with her.

Johnny and I suffered a miscarriage during the fall of '88. {We were to suffer one more, a total of four, but I carried this child the longest.} Our child would have been twenty this month. I think on this each spring and wonder what he or she would have looked like, what dreams they would have held in their heart. I have always, always hated the words "we lost the baby", for we don't lose them. We know where they are, where they have returned. They are simply gone from us but for a while. We will see them again, if we live a worthy life. And I so intend to live that life, to see those children that are mine, and to be reunited once more.