He's Always There

A couple of weeks ago, John left, going to work his night shift, and I so wanted to beg him to stay. To stay and just be with me, not that I was afraid of the dark, I was afraid of the thoughts. The thoughts that kept trying to tell me this was all a dream and I was really strapped down in a bed in an ICU room. I literally cried out several times, "God, make them stop! It isn't real, I'm NOT in that bed! I'm NOT in that ICU room. Make it stop, Father, please, please make them stop." And I cried. Each and every time I cried, I became more and more at peace. By focusing on my tears, my thoughts were stilled enough for Him to lay His infinite peace and understanding upon my soul.

When my body ached and hurt, and I kept getting sicker and sicker, and there seemed to be no answer, only allergic reactions and adverse reactions to medications, I tried to stay one step ahead of the abyss I felt was pulling at me. Two ER trips brought new and precious friends into our lives with "Now, don't you worry, sweetheart, it's just a med your body doesn't like and I promise you we're going to get you fixed right up." And I clung to her promise as tight as I was holding on to John's shirt and my Father's cloak.

The body's a strange object, but the mind is a powerful tool. And when we are physically sick, as I was with bronchitis, urinary tract infection, and a horrid episode triggered by a nightmarish memory, my mind kicked in with all sorts of doubts and fears. As low as I got, as scared as I became, as alone as I felt, I always knew He was crying with me. Holding me when my head hurt so bad I didn't want to move or cooling my brow as I hugged the toilet. (Yeah, too much information there, but you've been there, too.)

It began with falling down the stairs the last of August and between concussions and infections my body took quite a hit, along with various medicines causing more problems.  I remember Leslie telling me one night "I promise that this time next week you'll feel so much better." I didn't believe her then, but she was right. Now, I'm two weeks past that point and feel even better. But I remember the scary times. Through all of this,

God was, and is, always there. Always. I praise Him for the blessings and the many times of thanksgivings but I do know I seek him hardest when I'm scared, I'm hurting, and I'm feeling most alone.  As a mother, I miss that with Jenny.  When she was hurt or scared or feeling lonely, I felt like the bestest and bravest and strongest person in the world when I could wrap her up in a quilt, grab Baby Fields, and snuggle and hold her until it 'was all better'.  If we do this for the ones we love, just imagine how much more so our heavenly Father feels. Cry with me? I believe He does. Hurt for me? Of course, all the while trying to reassure me that there is nothing stronger or tougher than Him.

Recently, I tried to substitute at a local school and it triggered the memory of my second grade class.  It was the first time I had been in charge of a classroom since I walked out of mine that day in April, 2006.  I remember bits and parts but I'm told I kept asking, "Is this real or is this a dream?"  I thought I was beyond that {sad font} but have spoken with my doctor who has recommended a professional and it will require daily visits and possibly a hospital stay, but that doesn't scare me anymore. I won't be alone. I never am.

To be surrounded by loving, praying, compassionate Christian souls is another gift He provides.  This physical illness that has affected my emotional state is not bigger than me, and certainly not bigger than Him. I am a child of the King. Not just any king. THE King.

Have you ever felt so alone, so sick, so frightened and no one would notice but you? Ever wish someone paid your husband to stay home so he never had to leave you when you felt bad, or scared, or sick, or just needed someone there? What's been your worst time? I'd love to hear from you. I know we've all been there at some point in time. I can listen to you, sympathize with you, and pray for you. You're never alone. He's always there.

There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.  ~ Psalm 91:10,11

When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.  ~ Proverbs 3:24