Someone Always Comes ~

In the movie, Passengers, one of the main characters says something to the effect, "Someone or something always comes to help you, to make it easier." And the movie comes together, and you realize what the plot is, what the message is.

I was expecting a suspenseful thriller; what I wasn't expecting was this feeling I am experiencing right now. At this moment. Nauseated, but thrilled. Wanting to slip back into those 'zones' I found comforting after the accident, and during recovery, yet almost afraid to go back there and remember.

John is sitting not four feet from me, yet my mind is wanting to take me worlds from here. And the thoughts crowding my mind, my memory, are coming too fast for my fingers to type. I want to capture what I am feeling. I want to know that there is someone out there that experienced what I experienced. I want to know that there are others like me, that crossed over and came back. I want to know I am not alone. I want to know, are we alive?

You have no idea. You have no idea how it feels to be there and then to be sent back. To come back and wonder if everything is real. Or is this still a dream? Is this bits and pieces of life as you knew it? To think that what I know as life now is only a fragment of what the movie The Matrix was based upon.

There are times my mind screams for validation that I am alive, that I did not remain dead that April day. It was such a beautiful day, my memories of our trip to Birmingham are so clear and bright. Turning to look at Johnny, thinking how handsome he was and how good life was.

Remembering seeing Tim Buck walk toward us with flowers and thinking that I barely knew him, that I had only gotten his daughter on my class roll, yet he cared enough to be there. To come as we waited for my name to be called. My name. It was called.

It was called and I walked through the door, following the nurse. Changing into a gown with that hideous opening in the back. Getting up onto the table, and telling her the IV didn't hurt as she apologized for the prick. Then telling her I wasn't feeling as sleepy as I knew I should, watching her as she brought another syringe up to the IV and touching my hair as I heard her say, "Nighty night, Mrs. Hood".

And I open my eyes. And I know, I am not alive. To know, I am dead. And there is someone on my right. Now I wish I had looked to see who, what was there. Was it someone I would have known? I don't think so. I can almost assure myself it was a heavenly being. A messenger.

"Someone comes to make it easier, to help us find our way." Who was there for me?

John is sitting over there talking and talking and I get the feeling he is trying to include me in his day. All I want to do at this moment, at this time, is get lost in what happened then. And I wish Greg was here for me to talk to, to share with.

I can't share with John. Not like I can with Greg. Greg. Such a blessing in the form of a Christian counselor. Trained in helping those of us with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD. A fancy name for the mind not being able to handle what was, what might have been, and what actually is.

John doesn't like to remember that time. It hurts him to hear my pain, my fears, my questions. Basically, I keep them to myself. But I have to tell you, there are still times, even after three years, that I wonder if this is all real. If I am existing on a separate plane in life from reality.

Why does talking of death make so many people uncomfortable? I love telling what I saw, what I felt, what I know is there. I have read since the accident, when looking for answers, that severe traumatic experiences heighten one's sensitivity to life. Extrasensory perception. Maybe it just heightens us to what is already in front of us, what is just waiting to be felt, to be known. If we would just take the time to be a child again and notice.

I know this. Life is far shorter than we realize. He tells us it is but a vapor. It is no more than the breeze on your face. And there are those around, angels if you will, that are ever present. Right now they are having a difficult time comforting me because I have wrapped myself in the memories of that time in order to capture what I am feeling. Because I want to remember. There are things I want to remember, that I still feel my mind is shutting out. What is still there to recall?

Why the need to write this down? Why did I grab the laptop as soon as the movie was over? I would like to think that there is someone that will read this and not be afraid to leave me a comment. Or leave an email. Saying they have been there. They saw what I saw, and they are still dealing with living today and having the memories of the event that took them to Paradise.

I have learned many things since that April day ~ a few major ones would be that even death cannot heal family issues when lies still prevail; our nightmares are just that, nightmares, and life has its equal moments of light and happiness; and that we do not cross over alone. There is someone, something that comes to make the way easier.

Watch for His angels. Watch for those things you can't explain. Look into the eyes of those you pass. I promise you, when they look at you and smile, you'll know when you've been in the presence of angels. And yes, they can look just as human as you and me. Sometimes my whole being overflows with things I feel the need to say, to share, but then I realize it's a bit overwhelming. A bit to much for some, for most, to comprehend and understand.

I can tell when you are uncomfortable when I speak of these things. You begin to fidget, to glance away. You reach out with your hand to shush me, to quiet me. You tell me you're sorry. It's like trying to quell a bubbling brook.

I'm afraid to scroll back through this and see how long it is. What I have typed. What I have shared. I want to hit the 'publish' button and have this out there. For all to read. And just maybe, someone will be there. Someone like me, that feels as if you have a foot in both worlds. What is, and what will be. Just maybe, there's someone.

Are you out there?


Stacia said...

What an amazing post. Since I've never been through anything like that I can't understand it like you do, but I did have a Spanish teacher in highschool that did. She would start off each symester by telling her story. She was in a car accident with her twin sister, she can recall hearing her sister's screams but feeling no pain (although she should have) She remembered being high above the car and being able to see that the ambulance was coming from several streets over. I'm sure I've left out many details but I remember her saying that when she realized help was on the way she felt a rush, was back in car... feeling. I'm sure some kids thought she was crazy for telling every class this story, but she felt so compelled to. Because I have Faith I loved hearing her story as I did yours. :)

Holly said...

Wow, both your experience and Stacie's teacher's experience are really interesting! :O

Sheri said...

Dear Nancy,
I have not been through what you have been through. But I do long for be with Jesus in Paradise...frequently. And though I'm sure it's not the same type of feeling and not caused by the same things, I too, feel like our current "reality" must be a dream and couldn't possibly be "real" at all. My husband's grandmother died for about five minutes before she came back here. And she didn't want to leave there! She is more at peace here on the earth more than anyone else I know. But she is also so anxious for Home. To her there is no fear in death. She is quite looking forward to it! Thank you for your straight-forwardness and transparency.

Nancy said...

Thank you, Stacia, for sharing that ~ I have often thought I would like to be hypnotized to be able to recall more details.
And Sheri, your granmother is so right. I do not worry about many of the details of life anymore, and do look forward to that time when I won't be sent back! We do not need to fear death, there is no pain. There is no fear for His children.

Graham Shenanigans said...

All I can say is I love you, Nancy. You have been such an inspiration to me during my walk with Jesus. You have encouraged me, loved me, guided me. I will always love you for that. I pray that God will send someone who has shared your experience and can help to answer your questions. Thanks for being you, Nancy. You wouldn't be who you are now if you had not gone thru these things!!! All my love


Heather said...

Nan, I can't say that I have experienced what you went through, but I can tell you that I love you and have no doubt that your experience was very real. There is one thing that I learned from you that will always remain with me (aside from all the teaching stuff) and that is to never take one day with loved ones for granted. Because of you, I hold my loved ones very close to my heart...and that includes you. Much love to you. Thanks for always being there for me. And please know, I am always willing to listen to your experience and I will hug and laugh and cry with you. Love you!

Anonymous said...

This is so enlightening. You are a wonderful writer and this experience really brings that out. It is hard to comprehend what you went through but your descriptions are very real like. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. When I was a young girl, my family almost died in the night due to carbon monoxide poisoning. God had other plans for us, and through supernatural events, we all were awakened in time. God wants to use us as individuals through our life (and death) experiences. He is definitely using you to His Glory.
God bless you.

Anonymous said...

I know you posted this last year, but reading today, it made me want to tell you about an experience I witnessed last year. My husband's grandfather was dying of cancer, and we knew any day he would go home to Jesus. While we were with him one afternoon at the nursing home, he started moaning and yelling "Mama, mama." His arms stretched out like he was reaching to touch someone. I instantly thought that he was getting a glimpse of Heaven, and he was seeing his mother. I told my husband, and I couldn't believe the amount of comfort that came over his face to know that his granddad was not suffering, just desperate to walk through those gates and be with his family that had gone on before. I've tried to think about Heaven and the concept of eternity, and each time I do, my mind simply cannot grasp exactly what forever with God in a perfect state will feel like. I have faith though, that it will be grander than anything we could ever dream. I absolutely believe God allowed you to see what you did in order for others to be blessed by your story and come to know Him through your witness.

~ from The Letter Writer ~

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