What is My Calling Now, God??

I struggled on my calling after a divorce. There were feelings of letting God down as a good wife along with all the hurtful thoughts Satan throws at a hurting heart. With a three year old depending on me, I headed to a different state and a new job.

Having a blind date a month later, at a Sunday night worship service, led to a growing love with a man where my heart felt safe. Knowing God was as important to him as he was to me, our relationship deepened and led to very short courtship. Again, God works in mysterious ways. Within just months of our marriage, my beloved grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer and I was able to help my mother with 24 hour care. Isn't it amazing that He knows what's coming when we still feel Life is just nicely rolling along?

Fast forward and I began trying to get pregnant, which had always been difficult. Earlier, I had turned in an application to teach thinking if I made my requirements too particular they'd never call. "Man plans, and God chuckles". They called. And I got pregnant. I received a call to teach a second grade class at a local elementary school. I didn’t want to teach. I wanted a baby. However, an early miscarriage took place and in August 1986, I began teaching a small group of children. With each passing year I fell deeper and deeper in love with the blessing God had given. For twenty years I taught second grade with a great staff, with those that became best friends. I loved my calling and where God had definitely led me.

April 21, 2006. A scheduled outpatient procedure with a Dr we’d yet to meet. They simply had an opening and we were to meet him prior to the procedure. Never met him. And Life as we knew it changed. God allowed Satan to create anger, chaos and horrid mistakes within that procedure room which resulted in my death. Then God stepped into this chaos and order was restored. What followed was resuscitation from a Dr called up from ER, as the Dr in charge had charged out of the room in anger, and the next 77 days in an ICU room. I became a very, very sick patient. Five days after the mistakes made by a doctor, who clearly was dealing with issues of his own, my body began a hard fought battle with ARDS from lungs that collapsed during the procedure. I died twice more during the days my precious family and friends lived through on the wings of prayers of thousands. (Years later we were still meeting people, who when they heard my name, told how they and their church had prayed for me. For us.)  I began a long 18 month recovery upon returning home July 1, our 23rd wedding anniversary. 

I had taken a two year Medical Leave but three of my five specialists diagnosed me with PTSD and could not, in good conscience, give their approval that I be allowed to return to my classroom, citing my health issues rendering me incapable of being an effective teacher. My principle, one of my dearest friends, concurred. It broke my heart. It was 'my calling' and 
left me in a dark place of “where do I belong, God?!”  Anger that he allowed it was tempered with the blessings that came with the accident. Blessings we couldn’t ignore. But still I struggled to find ‘my place’ in the world.

Our children had their own families. My health kept me from jobs and volunteer work I yearned to do. Years of counseling helped with the PTSD, but brought to the surface events I'd tried hard to forget. Crimes against women I was told not to speak of, though I was the victim. Subjects we shy from and, sadly, creates feelings of isolation. With counseling, I moved from victim to survivor. It then reaches a point you have to use what you’ve learned and let Him lead. My prayers went from “Why, God” to “What now?!”

Thankfully, God never gives up on us. He brings those into our life with the wisdom to lead us to where he wants us to go. It’s still been a roller coaster the last 12 years, with health issues and wanting to go where I felt led. Only to find He had other plans. Friends I loved that left. Friends that came into this ‘new normal’ bringing their knowledge, their love, their
friendship. I remain amazed at how God works to show himself to us.

I never question anymore. I’ve come to know and love the Holy Spirit as I never had before. I’ve thrived with the immeasurable help and love of the Lion of Judah. A God that never left. Was always near. Forgiving. Second chances. Waiting for me to realize I only need to allow him to lead me where he wanted me to go. Friends that pray with me and over me.

With me, an oldest child that was used to being in control, he had his hands full. But he never let me go. And I am eternally grateful for the last 12 years and its blessings. April remains a month of remembrance, some days of hibernation and crying in the arms of a man that understands, realizing I lost years of teaching in a classroom that had become my home away from home with children that became beautiful pieces of my heart. Dear friends I saw each day. But God had other plans and Life goes on. My counselor asked once, if knowing everything I now know, would I go through it again. My answer? A quick "Yes!" For His blessings upon us and our family and friends that walked through this journey with us are infinite. And still occurring.

My time in heaven when I died in that procedure room is another story. A beautiful one that gets me thru the rough times. You'll find it up on the left side bar, a '77 Day Sleep'. There is a heaven. There is a thin line between reality and eternity. There is a mighty and loving God.

PS~take that, Satan!

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~ from The Letter Writer ~

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